Welcome to the Child Behaviour Direct Blog
If you are not making the changes that you want you may be pleased to know that it is not your fault...It's your brains fault.....The brain has two modes.1. Auto Pilot.You see the brain likes to repeat the same old thoughts because it means that it doesn't have to work so hard.So you do the same old thing every day even though you know it's not that helpful or even getting you the results that you wanted.You are choosing to stay on auto pilot because it's easier...2. Manual.When you want to get something done you have to direct your thoughts and tell yourself what to do and remind yourself to do it, like go to the gym, eat right and take care of the children.Why is it so hard to change?The brain has way to much information to take in and way to many choices to consider. Because of this it's way easier to simply eat, say or do the same things that you have always done.Be Careful... You brain will use feelings to make it even harder for you to change...For example: I am too tired, it's too late, too hard, can't be bothered, I don't have enough money, it's not that bad, it's too scary and so on..........When you get a feeling like this, you can quickly become overwhelmed which almost gives you permission not to do the thing you wanted or needed to do in the first place.How to teach your brain to get what you want..Give yourself a big enough WHY..For example: by thinking that there is a wedding coming up, or you want to go on holiday soon, you may just convince your brain to go ahead and make the changes that you wanted, such as loose the weight or make the money because you will feel good.More Good News...It will help with children too.If you want you children to change what they do, such as get off the play station, tidy up their room or do their homework...Give them a good enough positive reason WHY to motive them and to convince their brain that it's a good idea.For example: Come on let's sort this room out so we can sleep better at night and get off to town after.Remember....âââââââAlthough it's not your fault that your brain likes auto pilot mode the best, it is your responsibility to over rode it and get into manual mode.The good news is.. it does get easier the more you train your thoughts what to do.GOOD LUCK and let us know how you get on...
Single parents are a special kind of
From working a full-time job to managing a full-time household, they take on everyday a burden that most parents get to share.
As challenging as that sounds, being a single parent is also extremely rewarding. You get to decide on the rules and disciplinary strategies, without anyone second-guessing your decision-making skills.
When it comes to birthdays and holidays, you get all of the appreciation for getting the best gifts or coming up with the best party ideas.
While the benefits of solo parenting do stack up, they aren’t without their hurdles, roadblocks and stressors.
From maintaining an organized home to managing a busy parenting schedule, being a single parent also requires focus and determination.
Here are a two big questions to answer that will help you navigate the path of single parenthood so you can enjoy the perks more and stress less.
1. How do I keep a good, healthy routine for my kids—and for me?
The most precious commodity a single parent has is time. Whether it is time for yourself, time for your job or time for your kids, there just never seems to be enough of it.
That's why creating a good healthy routine, for both you and your kids, can help you maximize and make the most of every moment in those short 24 hours.
Establish a routine that you can stick to that improve the attitude of your entire household:
Starting everyone off with a regular routine will make your entire day run more smoothly.
From sitting down and having breakfast together to taking the dog for a walk, you can help establish a morning routinethat emphasizes mental and physical health for both you and your kids.
Studies show thatdepression ratescan be higher for both children and parents in a single parent household.
That's why setting a morning routine can help everyone tackle the stressors of the day with a positive attitude.
Night time routines can be especially fun for little ones.
From brushing your teeth together to reading before bed, evening routines can help you teach your children values, self care and responsibility, while also bonding after a long day apart.
2. What can I do to stay more organized?
You’ve got a lot on your plate—from planning that presentation for next week’s board meeting to making it to your child’s big soccer game.
Keeping everyone’s schedules organized so that the day runs smoothly is, honestly, another full-time job.
Here are a few helpful hints for keeping a more organized household, from keeping track of choir practice to making sure those library books are returned on time:
- Hang a family calendar in a highly-trafficked room, like the kitchen or the entryway.
- Be sure all events, due dates, deadlines and tasks are clear, visible and updated.
- Stay super organized by color-coding items by person or category. That way with one glance you know just how your week should go.
- Organize your entryway or mudroom so that everything you and your kids need before heading out the door is organized and right at your fingertips.
- Get hooks to hang backpacks and coats.
- Keep shoes neatly stored and hang a to-do or a reminder list so that the essentials are accessible during the mad rush out the door.
During the toughest moments of a single parent’s life, just remember that you can—and will—do this. It’s important that you have a strong support network, whether it’s a friend to call when you’re stressed to the max or a family member to come by to give you a break.
Making time for yourself, like working out over lunch or joining a colleague for happy hour, is a huge boost to your mental health. If you’re happier, your children will be happier, so be sure to make time for self-care.
Thank you daniel for taking the time to write this great blog.
If would like to contact Daniel can do so using his details below.
Over many years of working with parents who are struggling with different aspects of their child’s behaviour, I came to notice two extremely unexpected parenting problems that are the key to making positive changes.
1. Children’s stress levels are high. (often significantly).
It has become clear that children's stress levels are usually raised and often significantly. Knowing that children who are considered to be difficult, naughty, disruptive or awkward are suffering from such stress levels has been really unexpected and very concerning.
Worst of all, the stress that these children are feeling is often showing up as anger and disguised as the unwanted behaviours parents were battling with.
Unfortunately the way that parents are managing the unwanted behaviour is not getting to the root of the problem and so it is very likely to continue.
2. Parents wellbeing is low (often significantly).
Notably most parents who are struggling with their child’s behaviour are tired from the constant round of battles which leaves them frazzled, feeling out of control and their wellbeing is suffering.
When you combine stressed children and parents whose wellbeing is low it can be very challenging and usually means that parents use negtive parenting techniques that are counter productive, making children feel bad and problems worse.
How to make lasting improvements
As a child behaviour coach the major goals of working with parents is to coach them using positive parenting strategies to urgently reduce children’s stress levels and improve their own wellbeing.
This positive combination improves children’s behaviour, they do better at school, families are mentally healthier, and relationships start to improve.
Much research shows that parent's who confirm their child's emotions are far more likely to be happy and successful in life.
Parent's who take on the role as an emotions coach for their children value negative emotions as an opportunity to help their children to learn and understand how they feel.
Parent's who confirm their child's feelings by empathizing, soothing their child and help them to understand and name their feelings are teaching their child to trust their own feelings. If a child can have the gift of trusting their own feelings they are far more likely to make good choices for their self as they grow up and to get along with others.
Healthy well-functioning families are emotionally aware and supportive of each others feelings.
Be curious about your child's emotions not critical and see how they blossom.
Anger is a normal human emotion.
We feel anger when our brain is telling us that something is not quite right. By mastering our anger, we can take control of our emotions, create better relationships with our family, and deal with life issues in a much more effective way.
The amygdala is the part of your brain that triggers anger. It acts as your own personal alarm system, and is there to protect you from harm.
When you feel anger, your brain is reacting to a perceived threat that may be triggered from a past memory, a present situation or future danger.
When your alarm system is activated, your heart rate increases and your brain releases a stress hormone called serotonin, putting you into a state of high alert. This results in the fight, flight, or freeze response.
You can see this response in behaviours such as arguing (fight), storming off (flight) or ignoring people (freeze).
Flooding is caused when your alarm system is in overload. Your heart rate rises to around 100 beats per minute, and it becomes hard to think rationally and stay calm.
Being flooded is your biological warning sign to get out of the stressful situation that you are in and calm down otherwise you may flip your lid.
Flipping your lid
Yes flipping your lid is a real thing that happens in your brain. Described by clinical psychiatrist Daniel Siegel as a mechanism in the brain that is activated within seconds if your brain is not balanced after becoming stressed and flooded.
Flipping your lid is like hanging onto the edge of a cliff with your fingers, eventually they will give way and you will fall. The brain has a similar response to extreme stress and eventually your brain will ‘flip’.
Once you have reached this level, you become out of control. You may start behaving badly, becoming physically or emotionally abusively towards the person that you are angry with.
This means Danger.
Stop and back OFF
At this point the best thing to do is to stop and back away. Think of it like a boiling kettle on a stove - The kettle won’t settle unless it is taken away from the heat.
You must back off and calm down for at least 20 minutes or until you feel calm again, and have allowed your brain to process everything. Now is the time for self-soothing.
Learning to self sooth is a great feeling, and is a vital tool in mastering your anger. Especially when the person you may run to when you are flooded is the person you are angry with. By learning techniques that help you return to a happy state allows you to be more independent and in control of your own emotions.
It is important to become aware of anger as it starts to build. If you feel yourself becoming angry and notice you are becoming flooded - interrupt this by breaking yourself out of the situation.
How to self-sooth
- Go for a run
- Go for a walk
- Go to the gym
- Hit a punch bag/pillows
- Listen to calming music
- Sit quietly
- Go dancing
- Read a book
- Deep breathing
- Find some space alone in nature
- Cry it out
- Ask for help from a friend or trusted adult (this is important in situations that leave you feeling alone)
Prevention is always better than a cure. You can prevent this cycle of destructive anger by looking for common triggers that set it off. If you or the other person is starting to trigger anger, it often stems from these four triggers.
- Being criticized
- Being defensive
- Blaming and shaming
Think about your basic needs that can lead to poor decision making. They are a personal inventory to help you to regulate yourself and keep yourself from being vulnerable to anger. Ask yourself are you:
Persistent state of alarm
Repeated and overwhelming stress means that your brain becomes hyper alert and it can be on a persistent state of alarm. This means that anger is easily triggered and never far away. To really master anger and to slow down this reaction you must take responsibility to be mindful of your feelings, and take care of your mental and physical health by self-soothing everyday.