HOW HAPPY FAMILIES ARGUE
Unfortunately, family arguments are inevitable and part of growing together. As much as we want to avoid them, they can be healthy if done well.
If you don't have arguments or disagreements now and again, it likely means that issues are being avoided. If you are avoiding arguments, it may be because they leave you feeling worse than you did, and nothing gets resolved, causing resentment and disconnection between you all.
As parents, we need to teach our children how to argue well so they learn to speak up for themselves, say how they truly feel, set boundaries, be assertive, and build resilience.
How your family argues will profoundly determine your family's happiness levels.
Understanding how UNHAPPY and HAPPY families argue can make all the difference for your family's relationships and success.
This blog will look at ten ways that happy and unhappy families argue so you can build strong, healthy, happy relationships in your family.
First, let's debunk some myths about arguing in families
People don't just forget arguments, they are stored in the subconscious mind as reminders that surface occasionally.
All arguments are not equal, so what you say and do matters.
It is not normal or OK to have destructive arguments in families.
Please don't fall into the trap of thinking that an argument hasn't left lasting damage to your relationship because you act as if nothing happened and don't repair the damage done afterwards.
UNHAPPY FAMILIES ARGUE BADLY
Unhappy families often don't realise they're arguing in harmful ways. They repeat what they saw growing up, thinking it's normal. However, these argument habits are damaging and push family members apart.
If you want to break this cycle and the damage it causes to your relationships, you first need to identify what's wrong. Then, you can start making positive changes.
Use the questions below to understand better how your family argues answering 'YES' or 'NO.'
10 WAYS UNHAPPY FAMILIES ARGUE BADLY
1
They don't repair the relationship after an argument
Instead, they go from one fight to another and wonder why nothing improves.
2
There is often a scapegoat, or a naughty child
This child or parent is blamed for the family's arguments.
3
They don't resolve problems
Instead, they vent frustrations that negatively affect the other person's self-worth.
4
Someone is trying to be the winner
This person is trying to gain power and control over the situation.
5
They attack another's personality or character
They might do this by calling them names such as you are nasty, mean, or horrible and shame, blame, or demean another person.
6
They may be passive-aggressive
Indirectly showing anger or annoyance to avoid confrontation.
7
Someone may be passive
They might be submissive, avoidant, secretive or dishonest.
8
A family member may be aggressive
They may be confrontational and intimidating to get what they want.
9
They may use stonewalling
Giving someone or the family the cold shoulder and refusing to talk.
10
Being contemptuous
They may disregard someone’s feelings and show disdain or lack of respect for the other person.
You may agree that it is easy to see how arguing like this creates disconnection, leads to unhappy family dynamics, and can traumatise children. Living in such a stressful environment at home means family members are reactive and uncooperative with each other.
If you feel that your family has some of these traits and want to make a positive change, focus on how happy families argue differently and start to change today.
HAPPY FAMILIES ARGUE WELL
Happy families understand there will be disagreements, and how you argue that matters. Here are critical strategies that happy families use.
10 WAYS HAPPY FAMILIES ARGUE WELL
1
They repair their relationship
Repairing things after an argument is good to re-connect and consider how things might improve.
2
They are accountable
Each person is expected to take responsibility for their part of the problem. (Age appropriate.)
3
They use active listening
They do this with good eye contact and letting the other person speak without interrupting them. They may reflect on what has been said, so everyone feels heard.
4
They look for a win-win solution
They know that the best outcome is one that is beneficial to everyone so that they feel good.
5
They ask questions
They may ask questions to get a better understanding such as:
"I can see you are unhappy about the situation, why is that?”
6
They are assertive
A strong sense of their own values and self helps them to communicate respectfully and confidently.
7
They are empathetic
They can see the others point of view helping them to connect.
8
They know how to manage their own emotions
They take time out to cool down from a heated argument and then come back within a short time.
9
Validate the other person emotions
They acknowledge the other persons thoughts, and feelings to show that the other is important even when they disagree.
10
They say they are sorry
They know when they are wrong or have done something hurtful and sincerely apologise to help them reconnect and repair relationships.
It is easy to see how arguing well creates healthy connections and encourages cooperation and positive relationships.
Learning to argue well is a necessary part of growing up emotionally. Everyone in the family needs to learn to express themselves non-hurtfully in a way that does not diminish the other person's well-being.
As a parent, you need to be equipped to manage conflict and argue effectively in your home. There is no shame in recognising this and making a change.
Parents who do not know how to argue well may shut down disputes or punish anyone who may be seen as disagreeable.
The result of the inability to argue well is that the family dynamic becomes dysfunctional, and the fear of hurting or speaking up stunts the ability to be close to each other.
As a parent, it is crucial to remember not to point the finger but to lead the way in teaching positive communication in your family.
I know first-hand that this is far easier said than done, and it will take time and effort from everyone to make the most positive impact on your family.
For more strategies to foster peace, happiness, understanding, and connection in your home, see the Parent’s Guide to Children’s Behaviour.