WHY YOU NEED TO STOP SAYING ‘NO’ TO YOUR CHILD

The Impact of "No"

Did you know research shows a toddler can hear the word "NO" as much as 400 times a day? Such frequent use can make a child feel rejected and frustrated, negatively impacting their behaviour and their bond with you.

While a simple "No" for a toddler may be acceptable in some circumstances, such as not being allowed another ice cream or bag of sweets, children sometimes need an explanation. For example, if a teenager wants you to help them with something, a simple "NO" can be hurtful and confusing, causing them to feel angry, resentful, and reactive to you.

Striving for Positive Interactions

It's impractical to eliminate "NO" completely. However, striving to respond more positively—aiming for at least five to ten positive interactions for every negative one—can significantly enhance a child's well-being and increase cooperation. This positive approach also helps wire their brains for success, improves their self-esteem, and encourages them to be more responsive to you.

Although saying "NO" often comes naturally, considering alternatives can be challenging. 

Here are three constructive options for you to use today:

1

Ask Questions

Sometimes, just saying no can antagonise a situation, making children feel unheard and leaving them frustrated, stressed, and more likely to act out. Try these instead:

• Instead of "No, you can't have the bike," try "Sam is using the bike right now. Would you like to play with something else while you wait?"

• Swap "No, you can't go to the concert" with "How can we make this happen?"

• Replace "No, don't do that" with "Can I help you?"

2

Give Choices

Giving choices is a great way to help children feel they have some control, reduce conflict, and help them learn to make good decisions for themselves.

• Change "No, you can't have sweets; they will spoil your dinner" to "Would you like an apple or a drink to keep you going until dinner?"

• Instead of saying, "No, don't do that," ask, "Would you like to sit and play a game with me or read a book?"

• Rather than saying, "No, you can't have your friend round tonight," ask, "Would your friend be able to come on Friday or Monday when we have more time?"

3

Ask for What You Want

When we want children to do something, we often ask them for what we don't want, which means you will get more of that. Instead, ask for what you want:

• For "No, don't take your brother's trainer," try "Please choose some of your own trainers to use."

• Replace "No, you can't have the iPad" with "When you finish your homework, then you can use the iPad."

• Instead of "No, stop hitting," ask for what you want: "Use your kind hands."

Negative and Positive Language

Frequently using the word "No" and other negative language such as can't, won't, don't, stop, or naughty can provoke challenging behaviour and make matters worse. When children are bombarded with "No" and similar language, they start to tune it out. Moreover, they are likely to imitate you and speak like it themselves.

You'll see how your child becomes more responsive when you use more positive language. Use these suggestions with the Parent's Guide to Children's Behaviour strategies to create a positive change today.