Stop Criticising Children
START ConnectING and Building Healthy Relationships
Criticising children seems almost universally acceptable but far more damaging than we might think. Dr John Gottman, a renowned relationship researcher and psychologist, identifies criticism as the first of the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse."
Criticism - stonewalling - defensiveness - contempt
These behaviours are very damaging to relationships and can accurately predict the breakdown of a marriage by up to 95%.
Criticism is often the first sign of a communication breakdown and can create a rift between you and your child, leaving both of you frustrated and unheard. It is harmful because it involves attacking a person's character or personality rather than addressing a specific behaviour or issue.
In this blog, we will see how criticism will damage relationships with children and negatively impact their mental health. We'll also see how the antidote of a gentle start-up will help build connections, cooperation and those healthy relationships we really want.
What Can We Learn from Criticism?
How we communicate determines whether it helps or harms the relationship and whether children do what we ask. Criticising children puts them into a reactive state of mind, making them more likely to shut down, push back, or feel overwhelmed. By choosing our words carefully, we can foster connection and encourage cooperation.
Here are some common criticisms we make of children:
"You're so irresponsible! Can't you finally do your homework?"
"You never listen to me. You're so stubborn!"
"You're always making a mess. Why can't you be more organised?"
"Why are you so lazy? You never help around the house!"
"Stop crying! You're so dramatic all the time!"
These statements point the finger to blame children and use 'you' language, which often feels like an attack. Words like "always," "never," and "all the time" exaggerate the problem and can make children feel hopeless.
The Effects of Criticism on Children
Using criticism that labels children as irresponsible, stubborn, messy, or dramatic can create limiting beliefs in a child and subconsciously shape how they see themselves and their abilities. Over time, these beliefs can affect their confidence, decision-making, and how they approach challenges in life. For example, a child repeatedly labelled "lazy" may internalise this identity and feel incapable of being motivated or productive, even when they want to try.
When we assign these labels, we unintentionally reinforce negative narratives, making it harder for children to develop a positive self-image and healthy coping skills. Instead of growing into their potential, they might hold back and not know why.
The Antidote to Criticism: Gentle Start-Ups
A gentle start-up, as described by Dr. Gottman, shifts the focus from blame to collaboration. It allows you to express your concerns constructively so children become responsive and cooperative.
How to Use a Gentle Start-Up
1. Start with "I" Statements:
Share your feelings and needs without assigning blame.
· Instead of: "You never clean up your room!"
· Say: "I feel overwhelmed when the house is messy. Can we find a way to keep things tidy together?"
2. Be Clear and Specific:
Focus on the behaviour, not the person.
· Instead of: "You're so lazy!"
· Say: "I noticed your homework isn't done yet. How can we make sure it gets finished on time?"
3. Request Positive Action:
State what you need positively.
· Instead of: "Why don't you ever help?"
· Say: "It would mean a lot if we could work on this together."
4. Keep a Calm Tone:
How you speak really matters. Speak with respect and try to be warm and responsive to encourage cooperation.
· Instead of: "Stop crying, you are so dramatic?"
· Say: "I can see you’re upset right now. Let’s talk to see if I can help you."
From Criticism to Connection
I worked with Rachel, who often criticised her teenage daughter for being disorganised, saying things like,
"You're so irresponsible! Why can't you ever keep your room clean?"
The result? Her daughter became defensive and avoided conversations, and their relationship grew tense.
After learning to use gentle start-ups, she did things differently.
She changed her approach and said,
"Your room has been messy lately, and I'd like us to figure out how to keep it organised. What do you think would help?"
This shift opened the door to a conversation where her daughter felt respected rather than attacked. Together, they decided to do some cleaning at an agreed time each week, and the stress in the house was reduced significantly. More importantly, Rachel taught her daughter how to communicate to help her other relationships.
Why Gentle Start-Ups Work
How we start a conversation with our children sets the tone for how it will continue and end. If we begin with criticism or frustration, it can lead to defensiveness or withdrawal, making it harder to solve the problem. However, gentle start-ups create emotional safety, which helps children feel secure and encourages cooperation.
Gentle start-ups shift the focus from blame to working together. This makes conversations less confrontational and more collaborative.
Using gentle start-ups strengthens relationships and teaches children to communicate calmly and effectively. These skills will help them handle challenges throughout their lives.
Take the First Step
The next time you feel frustration rising, pause and try a gentle start-up. Instead of jumping into blame, express your feelings in a way that invites your child into the conversation.
Parenting is about connection, not perfection. You can create a relationship built on trust, mutual respect, and open communication by learning and using gentle start-up instead of criticism.
Ready to replace criticism with gentle start-ups? Explore more strategies in The Parent's Guide to Children's Behaviour.
Take care,
Ruth