THE TOXIC DAMAGE OF STONEWALLInG
Build Bridges, Not Walls: How to Overcome Stonewalling in Parent-Child Communication
Parent-child communication can be challenging, especially during moments of conflict. Sometimes, it may feel like we're unintentionally building an emotional wall between us and our children. This emotional distance can leave us unsure how to reconnect and communicate effectively.
When tensions rise, many parents instinctively react defensively, emotionally distancing themselves. This behaviour, known as stonewalling, can create even more distance, making it harder to resolve conflicts and deepen the relationship. In this post, we'll explore the damaging effects of stonewalling, provide strategies for overcoming it, and discuss how to foster healthier, more positive communication with our children.
What is Stonewalling?
Dr John Gottman, a renowned relationship researcher and psychologist, identifies stonewalling as the first of the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”
Criticism - stonewalling - defensiveness - contempt
When stonewalling happens, the person on the receiving end feels ignored, invalidated, and frustrated, gradually eroding trust and emotional intimacy.
In the context of parenting, stonewalling can leave children feeling neglected, misunderstood, or even unworthy of their parent’s attention. Over time, this emotional distance can contribute to behavioural issues, such as defiance, outbursts, and withdrawal.
How Stonewalling Affects Parent-Child Relationships
Stonewalling may seem like a way to avoid conflict, but its impact on children can be devastating. When a parent shuts down during a disagreement, the child may feel abandoned or unloved. They might begin to doubt their own emotions or believe they are not deserving of their parent's time and attention.
This emotional disconnect can create a vicious cycle: as children feel ignored or invalidated, they may act out, causing further frustration and distance in the relationship.
From a child’s perspective, a parent’s silence can feel like rejection. This emotional withdrawal doesn’t just create distance in the moment—it can affect their sense of self-worth and hinder their emotional development. Children need to feel heard and validated, even during tough times, to build their confidence and trust in relationships.
Breaking the Cycle: How to Overcome Stonewalling
The key to overcoming stonewalling is self-soothing. When emotions run high, it's essential to pause, step back, and calm down before re-engaging in a conversation. Taking a break can help you regulate your emotions, allowing you to return to the discussion with a clearer mind and a calmer tone.
Here are some strategies to self-soothe during conflict:
Practice Deep Breathing: Slow, deep breaths can help lower your stress levels and regulate your nervous system.
Take a Walk: A quick walk or some light exercise can help you clear your mind and reset your emotions.
Find a Quiet Space: Sometimes, simply stepping away from the situation and spending a few minutes alone can help you regain composure.
Dr. Gottman recommends taking anywhere from 20 minutes to a few hours to calm down. Afterward, it's important to return to your child and repair any emotional damage caused by the stonewalling. Apologise if necessary, and commit to communicating in a more constructive, positive way.
Real-Life Example: How One Mum Overcame Stonewalling
I recently worked with a single mum of three teenagers. Her 16-year-old daughter was frequently angry and disruptive, and their relationship was so strained that the daughter had been placed in a children's home due to their volatile interactions.
After working together for a week, the mum told me that she had experienced several argument-free days with her daughter. When I asked her how this change occurred, she confessed, “I’ve been ignoring her for three days.”
It became clear that, in an attempt to gain temporary relief and space, she had been stonewalling her daughter. Although this offered a brief respite, it only made her daughter’s behaviour worse.
We discussed a new approach: taking breaks during arguments, calming down, and then returning to discuss the issue once emotions had settled. A week later, the mum shared that her daughter had started taking short walks when she felt overwhelmed, and this new coping mechanism worked wonders for both of them.
Over time, their relationship improved, and their communication became more constructive. Ultimately, her daughter was allowed to return home by social services—a powerful testament to the positive impact of open, respectful communication.
Why Stonewalling is Harmful—and How to Stop It
Stonewalling may seem like a quick way to avoid conflict, but it has long-term consequences for both parents and children. It can cause emotional harm and erode trust in the relationship. What’s more, stonewalling is often a learned behaviour—passed down from one generation to the next—making it all the more important to break the cycle.
By recognising and addressing this behaviour, we can pave the way for healthier, more open communication with our children. Rather than building walls of silence, we should focus on building bridges of understanding.
How to Build Bridges, Not Walls
The ultimate goal in parenting is to cultivate an environment of trust, understanding, and emotional safety. Instead of retreating behind a wall of silence, we should aim to engage with our children in a way that fosters connection.
Here are some ways to improve communication with your children:
Be Patient: Practice active listening and give your child space to express their thoughts and feelings.
Validate Their Emotions: Acknowledge your child's feelings, even if you don’t agree with their perspective. Validation helps them feel heard and understood.
Use Positive Reinforcement: Encourage good behaviour by acknowledging your child’s efforts and accomplishments, no matter how small.
Remember, communication is key to building strong, healthy relationships. When you engage with your children respectfully, you create an environment where they feel safe to express themselves, knowing they won’t be met with silence or withdrawal.
Conclusion: Breaking the Habit of Stonewalling
Stonewalling can be a difficult habit to break, but with self-awareness and effort, it is possible to create more open and effective communication with your child. By practising self-soothing techniques, validating your child's emotions, and adopting a positive communication style, you can foster a stronger, more supportive relationship.
Has there ever been a time when you’ve found yourself stonewalling? What steps are you taking to break this habit and build a more open, trusting relationship with your child?
Discover more ways to improve parent-child communication in The Parent’s Guide to Children’s Behaviour.
Take care,
Ruth