YOUR ATTACHMENT STYLE

How it impacts your relationship with your child

It was a light bulb moment for me when I came across attachment styles. It made a lot of sense and helped me better understand myself and my relationships. In this post we will shed some light on how your attachment style impacts your relationship with your children and why it really matters.

We are all wired to attach to our parents or caregivers. How we develop this attachment will affect how we interact with others and cope with our environment and our level of emotional resilience.

Understanding attachment style can help us recognise potential problems or challenges in our child's development and behaviour and seek help and support to make a positive change.

Attachment styles are patterns in relationships formed with our parents from conception to age 6. Attachment is formed based on how our parent figures respond to us when we are distressed. When parents are attuned, predictable, and able to self-regulate, we develop secure attachments - when they are not, problems can occur.  

THE FOUR ATTACHMENT STYLES

John Bowlby, a British psychoanalyst and psychologist, is considered the father of attachment theory. His research showed that children need a secure attachment with their primary caregiver to form healthy relationships. Bowlby identified four attachment styles:

secure - anxious - avoidant - anxious-avoidant 

It is common to see ourselves in multiple attachment styles, and different people can bring out different styles of attachment in us. Understanding our partner's attachment style and how it impacts the relationship can significantly shift how we relate to each other and help us develop healthier, happier relationships. 

1

Secure Attachment

Secure attachments are developed when parents are consistently sensitive, warm and responsive to their children's emotional and physical needs. 

When children have secure attachments with their parents, they learn they are safe, secure and can trust their parents. They confidently ask for help and know they will have comfort and support when needed.

Children will grow up with secure attachments themselves, develop trusting relationships, feel loved and have low anxiety levels. Adults with a secure attachment style tend to have healthier, more satisfying relationships. They feel comfortable with independence and intimacy and can communicate their needs and feelings effectively.

2

Anxious Attachment

Anxious attachment is an attachment style that develops due to inconsistent or unpredictable parenting. Children with an anxious attachment may have parents who are emotionally immature, distant, and anxious themselves, with low moods and low stress tolerance. As a result, these children may feel that adults are unreliable and unable to protect them and that their needs will not be met.

In adulthood, people with anxious attachments may feel insecure in their relationships. They may experience anxiety when separated from their partner and need constant reassurance of their partner's love and commitment. However, they may struggle to choose partners who provide them with this reassurance, and they may fear abandonment and have little trust in others. This attachment style can lead to relationship difficulties, including emotional highs and lows, clinginess, and jealousy.

Overall, anxious attachment can significantly impact an individual's emotional and social well-being. 

3

Avoidant Attachment

Avoidant attachment develops due to emotionally unavailable and dismissive parents. Children with an avoidant attachment may learn that their emotional needs are unimportant and that there is no point in asking for help. They may feel that no one cares and that life is lonely.

As adults, people with avoidant attachment styles may struggle with emotional intimacy and connection. They may feel suffocated by their partners and seek solitude, preferring to be hyper-independent. 

They may also have difficulty expressing their emotions and come across as emotionally distant, self-reliant, and dismissive of others' emotional needs. This can lead to problems forming close relationships and may result in a preference for casual or short-term relationships over long-term ones.

4

Anxious Avoidant Attachment

Anxious avoidant attachment, also known as disorganised attachment, is an insecure attachment style characterised by conflicting feelings of both a desire for intimacy and a fear of it. People with this attachment style may have experienced inconsistent or unpredictable responses from their caregivers when distressed as children, leading to emotional abuse or trauma.

As children, those with anxious-avoidant attachment learn that love is conditional, boundaries are not respected, abuse is normalised, their opinions do not matter, and they are not worthy. They may have learned to cope with fear and anxiety by avoiding emotional closeness or engaging in self-protective behaviours such as emotional numbing, dissociation, or aggression. 

As adults, they may struggle with feeling unsafe, reactivity, and difficulty establishing healthy relationships. They may be more likely to form relationships with unhealthy partners.

At the same time, individuals with an anxious-avoidant attachment may feel a deep need for emotional connection and support but fear their vulnerability will lead to rejection or harm. This inner conflict can lead to extreme emotional distress and make forming healthy, secure relationships challenging.

Understanding anxious-avoidant attachment is crucial in helping us recognise and overcome the adverse effects on their emotional and social well-being. 

ATTACHMENT IS A CONNECTION BASED ON EMOTIONS, AND THE QUALITY OF THAT CONNECTION IS CRUCIAL FOR CHILDREN'S SURVIVAL, GROWTH, AND WELL-BEING.

HOW IT IMPACTS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR CHILD

As parents, we need to help our children develop secure attachments because it is crucial to their emotional and social development. It helps them to learn to regulate their emotions and feel safe and secure, allowing them to develop healthy coping strategies for managing their feelings.

Children grow up wanting to explore and learn about their environment and feel confident in their parent's support, which means they are more willing to take risks, try new things, and learn from their experiences.

They will develop healthier relationships later in life because they have learned to form positive relationships, communicate effectively, and build empathy and compassion for others.

A secure attachment helps children develop resilience. They learn they can rely on their caregivers for support when needed, which allows them to cope with stress and difficult situations.

A secure attachment provides a foundation for children's emotional and social development, helping them become healthy, confident, and resilient adults.

Remember, it's not just helpful for children but for us too. What do you think is your attachment style?

Keep Going,

Ruth