How Contempt Hurts Children
And the healthy alternative
Parenting is one of the most challenging and rewarding journeys, but frustration can sometimes lead us to communicate in ways that harm rather than help. When sarcasm, eye-rolling, or belittling become part of our daily lives, we send a damaging message: You're not worthy of respect.
Dr John Gottman, a world-renowned psychologist and relationship expert, identifies contempt as the most destructive of the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse."
Criticism - stonewalling - defensiveness - contempt
These behaviours are proven to damage relationships and can predict marital breakdown with up to 95% accuracy. When applied to parenting, they erode trust and connection between parents and children, leading to lasting emotional harm and often separation.
Contempt is more than just criticism—it conveys superiority, ridicule, and rejection. When children experience contempt from their parents, it can damage their self-worth, create insecurity, and impact their emotional resilience.
This blog looks at the harmful effects of contempt and provides practical strategies for replacing it with appreciation to nurture a strong, healthy parent-child relationship.
How Contempt Hurts Children
How we communicate with children shapes their confidence, emotional security, and ability to form healthy relationships. Contempt does not just critique behaviour, it attacks a child’s worth, leaving them feeling unloved and unworthy.
Here are some common contempt in parenting:
"Why do I even bother? You never listen to me anyway!"
"Honestly, you are just so clueless. It's embarrassing."
"This has nothing to do with you, I can do what I like."
[Rolling eyes] "You’re being ridiculous, it's time you stopped kicking and screaming!"
"I can't believe you’re scared of that. Stop being such a baby!"
"I haven't got the time or life for this right now."
"Oh great, another tantrum. How old are you again?"
Communicating like this is showing children disdain and rejection, which can have serious consequences for a child’s emotional health and well-being.
The Negative Impact of Contempt on Children
Children who experience contempt from their parents may develop:
Low self-esteem – Feeling unworthy and not good enough.
Shame and insecurity – Doubting their abilities and struggling with self-worth.
Anxiety and depression – Internalising negative beliefs about themselves.
Relationship difficulties – Struggling to form healthy connections with others.
When children hear that they are "embarrassing," "ridiculous," or "not worth listening to," they begin to believe it and it becomes their inner voice. Over time, this damages their self-confidence, emotional expression, and ability to communicate effectively.
The Antidote to CONTEMPT: APPRECIATION
The antidote to contempt is to build a culture of appreciation. By focusing on encouragement instead of belittlement, we foster healthy relationships and build strong connections with children.
How to replace contempt with appreciation.
1. Notice and Acknowledge the Positives
Instead of: "I haven't got the time or life for this!"
Say: "I appreciate things are very difficult for you right now, I really want to help you, tell me what is upsetting you and we can sort it out."
2. Use Respectful, Encouraging Language
Instead of: "Seriously? You’re scared of that?"
Say: "I see that’s making you nervous. How can I help you feel safer?"
3. Reframe Your Perspective
Instead of: "You never listen to me!"
Say: "I see you’re distracted. Let’s try again—can you help me understand what you need?"
4. Show Empathy and Validate Feelings
Instead of: "It's time you stopped kicking and screaming?"
Say: "I can understand why you are upset, I am sorry I have hurt you, I'd like to see what I can do to put it right.
Real-Life Impact: A Story of Change
Lisa, a mother of two, often used sarcasm when frustrated with her son. She would say things like:
"Oh great, you are complaining again. Why am I surprised?"
Over time, her son became withdrawn, hesitant to ask for help, and fearful of being mocked. When Lisa recognised how her words were affecting him, she made a conscious effort to change. She started acknowledging his efforts instead:
"I can see you tried to tidy up. Let’s finish this together."
The results were profound—her son became more confident, more willing to help, and their relationship became more positive and cooperative.
Why Appreciation Strengthens Relationships
How we speak to children teaches them how to see themselves and communicate with others. When we replace contempt with appreciation:
Children develop a stronger, more positive self-image.
They learn healthy communication skills that support lifelong relationships.
They feel emotionally secure, making them more receptive to guidance and cooperation.
By shifting our approach, we create an environment where children feel valued, respected, and empowered.
Take Action: Build a Respectful Connection Today
The next time you feel the urge to roll your eyes or use sarcasm, pause and reframe your words with appreciation.
Parenting is about connection, not perfection. By replacing contempt with encouragement, you can build a relationship based on trust, respect, and emotional security.
For more parenting insights? Download our free parent's guide today.
Take care,
Ruth
